02 September 2010

Hari Raya & Me

Time didnt flies anymore these days - it just shoot off like a rocket it seems. For all we know, Ramadhan is nearing to its end and in less than 10 days, Aidil Fitri will be here. And I am grateful to Allah swt for all the strength & health given to me thru out this Ramadhan which gives me the opportunity to be as close as possible to my creator. Alhamdulillah.

As I told my BFF a few days ago, the spirit of Raya has yet to be felt by me. The radio has started playing the Raya songs and yet I still cant feel its presence. Come to think of it, I guess I am sort of numb to Hari Raya. When I said numb, it does not means I've been raya-ing all through out the year that when the actual raya comes, I don feel anything at all.

The moment I'm back to being "single" few years ago, I've resented Hari Raya. It's a day I wished I could avoid. If it's not becoz of my beloved parents, I dont think I would even wanna be home during raya days. Instead, I would visit them few days prior raya & make myself disappeared on the day itself. Obviously, that could never be materialized.......at least not for now.

It's not that I hate raya or despite it. Those who are in my shoe would understand well what I meant or how I felt. Just like other celebrations, it's on this special day of the year where everybody will come back to their kampung to celebrate it with their friends and relatives. Ironically, it's the time where I wish I'm not there with them.

The first year celebrating raya as a single mum is quite a painful, or rather humiliating experience. Everybody will be asking about your spouse & I dont blame them either for asking. After telling them what happened, there'll be a lot more questions to follow. And this Q&A session would have its re-run over and over again for each family / friends who came to visit. Unfortunately if you are not lucky, it'll still continues till the 2nd year - for those who didnt get the chance to visit the year before ~ big sigh ~

At least now things wouldnt be as bad. But then, it's the skepticism that ruled me over. When you are the only one with a kid (without a husband), being surrounded by other "complete" families, it's when pessimism takes place. When they smiled at you, your mind will be telling you, they are just being cynical. When the walked towards you with one hand holding their kid & the other hand holding their spouse, again that wicked devil in your head would be telling you that they are just showing off. I hate to be feeling this way but at times, I just cant help it for I'm just a normal human with lots of weakness & deficiencies, emotionally & spiritually.

Raya would therefore be something that I dont really look forward to. Raya would only means spending great time with my family, with good laughs & good food as well. Raya would means the end of waking up in the wee hours to eat (sahur). Raya would means putting a stop to those daily cooking which I've very much despised these days. And Raya would also means having to say good bye to the shorter working hours (something I'm gonna missed the most).

And next year with the possibility of Marsya raya-ing with her dad, Raya would definitely means a lot lesser to me. Thought of going backpacking to Cambodia - how about that? Anybody keen to join me?


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