13 October 2010

Dealing With Divorce

A friend of mine just got divorced recently. I found out about it through her shout-out in FB & the fact it happens after 17 years of marriage not only shocked me but leaving me feeling very sad as well. On the projection screen of my memory, I could still see how devastated I was when the same thing happened to me before.

I know exactly how she felt right now. As compared to her, I've only been married for 5 years before I was divorced & this whole divorce thing really shattered me to pieces. I didn't even know where to begin in the first place. I had to consider & re-think almost everything in my life — my home, my job, my child, my family, my friends & everything else that revolves around me. It's like starting all over again.

Divorce is hard & is extremely painful. It's not only the death of a marriage, but also the death of dreams and hopes. Not only it destroys years of invested love and caring, it also leaves us with fears of being abandoned and unlovable. It'll just totally destroy your self-esteem. At least that's how I felt when it happened to me.

A divorce is like a death in the family. You'll be left with so many emotions in you : anger, frustration, fear, hatred, regrets - all these just rise to the surface. Then all the shouldas, couldas & wouldas would be haunting you making the pain even more unbearable. Divorce is never easy & it takes like forever to recover from its damage - trust me for I've been there.

A broken arm takes several weeks to heal.
Broken hearts take much longer.

But then, there's always a silver lining on every clouds. For any bad things occurred, there's always a blessing in it, for sure. Though divorce is something God really hates but sometimes it's the best thing. There's no way God could gives us the rainbow without giving us the rain first. While divorce is a tragedy, it can also be a learning experience that makes us stronger & healthier emotionally.

When a divorce takes place, we could go through life blaming the other party or we could choose to live & learn something out of it. The choice is indeed in our own hands. Personally, divorce to me is both the end & the beginning - the end to an endless sorrow & the beginning of a new life.

To those already divorced or in the process of getting one, allow me to share my own experiences as to how I get through this difficult time of my life :

Face the reality. Accept the fact that your marriage is a failure and be truly honest with how you feel about it. Deal with your feelings, be it anger or sadness. Let them out in any way you feels like it - write about it, talk about it, scream till your lungs bleed or even cry till there no more tears left in you.

Accept the pain as it is. Dont fight your feelings just because it hurts. Pain is God's way to bring us close to Him & at the same time reminds us that we need to take proper care of ourselves. The pain we're going through will make us love & appreciate ourselves even more.

Stop blaming yourself. It takes two to make a marriage works & the same two people to wreck it off.

Make happiness your priority in life. Life is too short not be enjoyed. Make the best out of it. You are not the first person to be divorced and will not be the last.

Look for your goal in life & work towards it. This is the best time to do the things you've always wanted to do - things that you are not able to do due to your past commitments.

Look forward to the future. Do not think that only a married person deserves to be happy. Remember, you now are ready to do whatever it is in life that you want to. You are no longer on a time schedule to meet your partners needs, and you do not have to ask anyone permission to do anything. The freedom is all yours.

To my friend, J - this is the least I could do for you. I wont say it's easy as things can be really hard. Be strong & you'll be able to get on with your life....with your head held high !


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